Young children often have a natural confidence about the things they say or do. But, as they approach big school, is there a way for parents to bolster their self-esteem?
We asked clinical psychologist Dr Martha Deiros Collado for her top tips – from celebrations and praise, to being a positive role model.
“Self-esteem is your overall sense of self-worth. It’s about how you feel about yourself in the world and in relation to others,” she explains.
“We all have ups and downs with our self-esteem, but there are things you can do to boost your child’s so they have a healthy foundation growing up.”
1. Let your child know they are valued for who they are, not what they do
Your child needs to know they are loved and valued for who they are, not what they do. This means offering them love and warmth even when they say or do things that you don’t like or don’t align with your expectations of them.
To do this, you have to separate your child’s behaviour from who they are. When they have a huge tantrum in public, remind yourself: “This behaviour is not my child. It’s a moment of overwhelm”.
And send your child the message that you can tolerate their distress rather than try to suppress, reject, or punish it. So rather than, “Stop crying!”, try and say something like, “You are very upset I can't buy you that teddy. You’re allowed to cry. It’s hard not to get what you want”.
Doing this will help your child learn that being upset, mad, or making mistakes is not about their worth. It’s about being a human with feelings who is still learning how to be in the world.
Make sure to also make room for their views, thoughts and opinions too, even when they are different to yours.
Show your child that they are a unique human in their own right and you value the way they think and see the world.
Just being them is enough to be loved and cared for. When you do this, you teach your child to know, “I am worthy, no matter what”, something many adults could learn to believe more strongly too.
2. Treat yourself with kindness
Modelling good self-esteem is the most powerful way of teaching your child to have strong self-esteem themselves.
Avoid putting yourself or your body down and instead speak with kindness and comion. It's important to do this, not only when things go well, but when you face struggles too.
This means being mindful of the things you say out loud, as well as the things you say in your head that show up in your body posture and relationship with yourself.
So rather than: “Ugh, look at my flabby tummy”, try: “My tummy has stayed soft as a reminder that it was your home for the first nine months of life. How great is my body!”.
If you want your child to treat themselves with kindness and respect, not just on good days but when they struggle and mess up, make sure you model this to them too.
Try praising your achievements and speaking out loud in kind ways when you get things wrong.
For example: “Today was hard. I am so proud of myself for doing it. I have learnt some things I can do better next time,” is much better than saying, “Today was hard. I missed loads of important points. I am no good at presentations”.
3. Celebrate effort, not just success
Teach your child a growth mindset: the idea that making mistakes and errors is part of the process of learning.
Children look up to adults and what they see is that we do most things effortlessly (or at least, with a lot more ease than them).
Adults often forget that children go through ‘new firsts’ every day and this means they are constantly making mistakes, getting things wrong, and learning.
It’s important that you model making mistakes and show your child how practice leads to progress.
For example, “This cake did not come out the way I wanted - I must have done something wrong. Oh well. It’s the first time I’ve made it and I am sure it still tastes delicious. Shall we try some and find out?”
When it comes to your child, teach them the power of ‘yet’.
There are lots of things your child will struggle to do and get frustrated by. So, if your child says, “I can't do this!”, simply say, “You can't do it… yet. It might take some practice. I can help you”.
4. Let your child help out
Self-esteem grows when children see that what they do matters to others.
Let them make age-appropriate choices and take on responsibilities. This might be cooking together or completing a task (like creating a playlist for a party or helping a sibling learn a skill).
This helps your child grow independence and autonomy, and when you help them find the courage to try new things and make positive choices for themselves and others, it helps them feel good about themselves.
When children experience having a positive impact in your home and in relationship with others, they feel good about themselves and their self-worth grows.
5. Sprinkle them with praise every day
Praise is powerful and necessary. Many of us love to receive a compliment like, “Well done!” but some children struggle with praise because it can also bring pressure – to do well again, or to even do better next time.
Being mindful of how you use praise can be important if your child find words of affirmation embarrassing or tricky to accept.
Instead, you can offer praise in a way that focuses on your child’s inner world and makes them feel valued. This sounds more like, “How did you work that out?” or, “Tell me how you came up with that idea?”
Try ing both forms of praise together to make it more meaningful, like: “Well done! What an interesting drawing. Tell me how you chose the colour of the sky?”
Sprinkle praise into your child’s life every day - it may become part of their inner voice one day: the one that will remind them in times of struggle, “I am good, even when I get things wrong”.
